According to the ultrasound I was about four weeks along. My
mom, how do I put this, she isn't an overly animated person or easily
excitable. I am. If you have ever met me, you know this to be true. I guess I
expected her response to be similar to mine, but she and I are just not the
same. She was in nurse mode, calmly explaining to me all that needed to be
done, what I needed to do next. God knew I needed a mother like her. Through all of
my scary, life changing events, she would always ground me. (I tend to overreact.)
I went to tell my dad next. It was actually his birthday so Dustin and I bought him a card and put the ultrasound picture in it. I loved my dad's response. I'll keep that to myself, but he was very happy. My sister said "what?" and "no way" about twenty times. We drove home and told Dustin's mom and she was thrilled. -Side note, I was already pregnant when she gave me that Easter plate...
Next came the scary stuff, the doctor appointments. I would see a regular OB and I also would have to see an MFM (maternal fetal medicine) specialist because I was considered a high-risk pregnancy. I had to see a pulmonologist for my lung issues, a cardiologist to monitor my heart, and a hematologist for my blood disease, and they suggested a psychologist because of my history with depression. This was very overwhelming to go through right after hearing the best news of my life.
I was scared now. All of the reasons I was warned against ever having a child were now all I could think about. Miscarriage. That word. It tainted every thought. Would God really give me this gift just to take it away? I have had a pretty volatile relationship with Him in the past so I really just didn't know the answer to that question.
Every day that passed and I stayed pregnant was a miracle in my eyes, but I was still too scared to truly accept my gift. I didn't want to get too attached, just in case. I was also very sick. I wasn't one of the lucky pregnant women who are sick only in the first trimester, I stayed sick. There are few things I hate more in this world than being sick to my stomach. I will refrain from the details. I did start trying to look at it in a positive light; after all, it meant I was still pregnant.
I was on Facebook one day and came across a video someone posted of a song that was performed at a cancer fundraiser. If you bought the song on iTunes, your money would be donated to cancer research. I have a special place in my heart for this so I purchased the song. I didn't even listen to it. It downloaded and I forgot about it. A few days later I was driving to work and it came on my playlist. About thirty seconds into the song I had to pull over. My eyes filled with tears so quickly I couldn't see the road. I sat there on the side of the road and played the song about five times in a row just holding my stomach. I cried and cried and just when I thought I was done, I cried a little more. Hearing that song completely changed the way I looked at my pregnancy from that day forward.
The song is sad. It is about a woman who lost her four year old son to cancer. I can't even imagine a greater pain. There was a line in the song that put everything into perspective for me.
"But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you."
What if my miracle was just getting pregnant? What if that was all I was ever supposed to have?
In that moment the fear of miscarriage left me. The mental preparations of how angry I would be at God if He took my baby from me stopped. He already gave me the miracle. I got to have the excitement over the two lines. I got to hear the heartbeat of that perfect little life beating inside of me. I got to see her body developing and growing on the ultrasound. God had already answered my prayer. No matter what happened from this day forward, I would thank Him for every single moment with her. My baby… My miracle…
I went to tell my dad next. It was actually his birthday so Dustin and I bought him a card and put the ultrasound picture in it. I loved my dad's response. I'll keep that to myself, but he was very happy. My sister said "what?" and "no way" about twenty times. We drove home and told Dustin's mom and she was thrilled. -Side note, I was already pregnant when she gave me that Easter plate...
Next came the scary stuff, the doctor appointments. I would see a regular OB and I also would have to see an MFM (maternal fetal medicine) specialist because I was considered a high-risk pregnancy. I had to see a pulmonologist for my lung issues, a cardiologist to monitor my heart, and a hematologist for my blood disease, and they suggested a psychologist because of my history with depression. This was very overwhelming to go through right after hearing the best news of my life.
I was scared now. All of the reasons I was warned against ever having a child were now all I could think about. Miscarriage. That word. It tainted every thought. Would God really give me this gift just to take it away? I have had a pretty volatile relationship with Him in the past so I really just didn't know the answer to that question.
Every day that passed and I stayed pregnant was a miracle in my eyes, but I was still too scared to truly accept my gift. I didn't want to get too attached, just in case. I was also very sick. I wasn't one of the lucky pregnant women who are sick only in the first trimester, I stayed sick. There are few things I hate more in this world than being sick to my stomach. I will refrain from the details. I did start trying to look at it in a positive light; after all, it meant I was still pregnant.
I was on Facebook one day and came across a video someone posted of a song that was performed at a cancer fundraiser. If you bought the song on iTunes, your money would be donated to cancer research. I have a special place in my heart for this so I purchased the song. I didn't even listen to it. It downloaded and I forgot about it. A few days later I was driving to work and it came on my playlist. About thirty seconds into the song I had to pull over. My eyes filled with tears so quickly I couldn't see the road. I sat there on the side of the road and played the song about five times in a row just holding my stomach. I cried and cried and just when I thought I was done, I cried a little more. Hearing that song completely changed the way I looked at my pregnancy from that day forward.
The song is sad. It is about a woman who lost her four year old son to cancer. I can't even imagine a greater pain. There was a line in the song that put everything into perspective for me.
"But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you."
What if my miracle was just getting pregnant? What if that was all I was ever supposed to have?
In that moment the fear of miscarriage left me. The mental preparations of how angry I would be at God if He took my baby from me stopped. He already gave me the miracle. I got to have the excitement over the two lines. I got to hear the heartbeat of that perfect little life beating inside of me. I got to see her body developing and growing on the ultrasound. God had already answered my prayer. No matter what happened from this day forward, I would thank Him for every single moment with her. My baby… My miracle…
That's so touching.
ReplyDelete.........and WHAT a MIRACLE SHE is!!!!!!
ReplyDelete