My mother-in-law is probably one of my favorite human
beings of all time. She made me feel loved from the moment I met her. We have
had some of the most amazing talks over the past two and half years. One of
those conversations was about my inability to have children. She would just
laugh and tell me not to speak that. God would give us a child. She actually
said it so much in the first six months of our relationship that it started to
hurt my feelings.
I went through a very painful acceptance process that I would never have a child. There are only so many negative pregnancy tests a woman wanting a baby can look at. I was even more convinced that this would never happen when my ex husband fathered a child. It really was me. I'm the broken one. It was shattering to finally give up, but that is just what I had to do to stop hurting.
It was Easter of 2012 when my mother in love bought me a gift that broke my heart. It was an egg platter to put colored Easter eggs on. She said she purchased it for her grand baby. I smiled and took the gift, but I cried after. Why couldn't she just let it go? Why did she keep saying that God was giving us a baby? Doesn't she know how badly that hurts me to know that I will never be able to give her or my parents grandchildren? I left it in the bag she gave it to me in and shoved it under the bed.
About two weeks later I started getting very sick. At first I thought food poisoning, but it wasn't going away so it must be a stomach virus. Dustin bought a pregnancy test after the first week of me being sick. I rolled my eyes and threw it in the cabinet. Yeah right. I'll never take another one of those.
May 3, 2012 - I woke up for work around 6:30. I open my cabinet to get a towel for my shower and I see the test. No. Don't even waste your time. Well, it can't hurt to just take it and then I don't have to see it staring at me every time I open my bathroom cabinet. I take the test and get in the shower.
By the time I got out of the shower I had already forgotten about the test and started rushing to get ready. I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and I look down at it. Wait. What? Is that? No. It can't. Where's the box? WHAT DO THE TWO LINES MEAN?! I am shaking and crying. This can't be real. I grab my phone and call my friend. I am crying so hard by this point that she thinks someone has died. I try to compose myself but still just scream in the phone asking her what two lines meant.
I'm pregnant. Two lines mean that I am pregnant. I don't even know how to put into words what happened next. All of the emotions, all of the hurt, all of the heartbreak over knowing I would never know what that felt like just poured out of my eyes.
I called into work and said –I’m not sick, but I think I'm calling in pregnant. I need to go to the doctor.
Dustin lived about 20 minutes from me and all I could think about was getting out the door to tell him. Surprisingly, trying to decide what to wear to go tell someone that you are pregnant is harder than it sounds. I went for my favorite James Dean shirt. (I'm sure that's important to the story.) The drive to his house felt like forever. How would I tell him? How would he react? I decided on getting him a box of donuts. Nothing says I'm pregnant like a box of donuts.
He was still asleep when I arrived to his house. I walked over to his bed in the dark and handed him the box of donuts. He looked up at me very confused. Why aren't you at work? Is everything ok? Ummm so, yeah. I'm pregnant.
Silence.
He finally sat up and gave me a hug and said that he needed to take a shower. He is not a morning person.
He got out of the shower and the excitement was there now. He didn't want to get too excited yet though, and suggested I take the other test. It was positive too. I was so excited. He was so excited. Let's go to the doctor.
We drove to the VA clinic in Baton Rouge to get a blood test. We waited for what seemed like forever and after the test they said they'd call us with the results. What!? No! I need to know now! I called my mom at this point. After all, she does work at a crisis pregnancy center. I just told her that we were in town and wanted to come by for a visit. When we got to the clinic she could see it on my face. She brought me straight back to the ultrasound room and I saw her for the first time, my little tiny egg yolk. It was real. It was true.
I am having a baby.
I went through a very painful acceptance process that I would never have a child. There are only so many negative pregnancy tests a woman wanting a baby can look at. I was even more convinced that this would never happen when my ex husband fathered a child. It really was me. I'm the broken one. It was shattering to finally give up, but that is just what I had to do to stop hurting.
It was Easter of 2012 when my mother in love bought me a gift that broke my heart. It was an egg platter to put colored Easter eggs on. She said she purchased it for her grand baby. I smiled and took the gift, but I cried after. Why couldn't she just let it go? Why did she keep saying that God was giving us a baby? Doesn't she know how badly that hurts me to know that I will never be able to give her or my parents grandchildren? I left it in the bag she gave it to me in and shoved it under the bed.
About two weeks later I started getting very sick. At first I thought food poisoning, but it wasn't going away so it must be a stomach virus. Dustin bought a pregnancy test after the first week of me being sick. I rolled my eyes and threw it in the cabinet. Yeah right. I'll never take another one of those.
May 3, 2012 - I woke up for work around 6:30. I open my cabinet to get a towel for my shower and I see the test. No. Don't even waste your time. Well, it can't hurt to just take it and then I don't have to see it staring at me every time I open my bathroom cabinet. I take the test and get in the shower.
By the time I got out of the shower I had already forgotten about the test and started rushing to get ready. I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and I look down at it. Wait. What? Is that? No. It can't. Where's the box? WHAT DO THE TWO LINES MEAN?! I am shaking and crying. This can't be real. I grab my phone and call my friend. I am crying so hard by this point that she thinks someone has died. I try to compose myself but still just scream in the phone asking her what two lines meant.
I'm pregnant. Two lines mean that I am pregnant. I don't even know how to put into words what happened next. All of the emotions, all of the hurt, all of the heartbreak over knowing I would never know what that felt like just poured out of my eyes.
I called into work and said –I’m not sick, but I think I'm calling in pregnant. I need to go to the doctor.
Dustin lived about 20 minutes from me and all I could think about was getting out the door to tell him. Surprisingly, trying to decide what to wear to go tell someone that you are pregnant is harder than it sounds. I went for my favorite James Dean shirt. (I'm sure that's important to the story.) The drive to his house felt like forever. How would I tell him? How would he react? I decided on getting him a box of donuts. Nothing says I'm pregnant like a box of donuts.
He was still asleep when I arrived to his house. I walked over to his bed in the dark and handed him the box of donuts. He looked up at me very confused. Why aren't you at work? Is everything ok? Ummm so, yeah. I'm pregnant.
Silence.
He finally sat up and gave me a hug and said that he needed to take a shower. He is not a morning person.
He got out of the shower and the excitement was there now. He didn't want to get too excited yet though, and suggested I take the other test. It was positive too. I was so excited. He was so excited. Let's go to the doctor.
We drove to the VA clinic in Baton Rouge to get a blood test. We waited for what seemed like forever and after the test they said they'd call us with the results. What!? No! I need to know now! I called my mom at this point. After all, she does work at a crisis pregnancy center. I just told her that we were in town and wanted to come by for a visit. When we got to the clinic she could see it on my face. She brought me straight back to the ultrasound room and I saw her for the first time, my little tiny egg yolk. It was real. It was true.
I am having a baby.
3 years later...
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