After those six months were up, I only got deeper into my
depression. I wanted to die. I thought I was ready to die. I was living in Fort
Myers, Florida during this time period. I was living in a house with a group of
guys that were in a band. My cousin and I shared a back porch that one of them
turned into a makeshift bedroom. We shared an air mattress and paid 60 dollars
a month for rent. We were both in massage therapy school at the time, but I was
just passing the days. I remember getting pulled over on my way to school one
morning for running a stop sign. I had never stopped drinking from the night
before. I somehow convinced the officer that I was just hungover (he smelled
the alcohol) and tired. Instead of that being a wakeup call I just decided that
it obviously meant I needed to quit school. I started working at a bar selling
shots. I learned quickly that you make more money if you let them buy you
shots. That was pretty conducive to my desired lifestyle. I was having a lot of
panic attacks during this time. My heart condition would make me dizzy,
nauseous, and my heart would race. It got to where I couldn't tell the
difference between having an actual attack and just panicking. I went to the
hospital a lot.
I moved out of the house and got an apartment with my cousin. We had a pretty horrible falling out soon after. I see now that I was a pretty miserable person to be around. Suicidal people often are. She moved out and two of my friends moved in. I still feel bad about how difficult it must have been to be around me. I lived in a constant pity party. I ended up in the hospital again, but this time I had a blood clot, supposedly a blood clot that was going to be the end of me. (Here we go again) I was so scared and so alone. They took me out of my room to get a CT scan and when I returned there was my roommate, holding a pair of socks. I will love her forever for that.
Whatever medicine they gave me worked. I could go home, but I really needed to stop drinking. Ok. Sure. I just got worse. I remember calling my mom one night and begging her to tell me it was ok to kill myself. To say that I continuously broke her heart is an understatement. The fibromyalgia is the main reason I wanted to die. I was in so much pain, constant, unrelenting, excruciating pain. - If they loved me they would understand. They are the selfish ones expecting me to live like this. I'm just going to die soon anyways. - oh the lies I would tell myself to justify this thought process.
I was at work one night and I met a guy. This guy will have his own post one day, but not today. He was the one with the little girl. After we broke up (that's what I'll call it for now) I never got to see the little girl I had grown to love again. This put an ache in my heart. I wanted a child. I wanted a family. I wanted a future. Somehow, someone trying to kill me actually made me want to live. Crazy.
When I met the next man in my life it was all I could think about. I wanted a baby. We tried for a while, but no baby. We went to fertility doctors and specialists. No baby. I actually had one doctor tell me that with my health problems I was being selfish trying to bring a baby into my world. My heart condition could cause me to have serious problems with pregnancy and delivery. My fibromyalgia would make pregnancy very painful. My lung problems would make delivery dangerous. My blood clotting disease would make it nearly impossible to get pregnant and if I did, I would most likely miscarry. I didn't care, I wanted a baby. Looking back now I see that I was trying to fill a hole. I was trying to replace what was lost. I am very thankful that I never became pregnant during that time.
I had heart surgery in September of 2009. They did an atrial fibrillation ablation and froze the node that was electrocuting my heart. I have not gone into a-fib since the surgery. I started seeing a chiropractor that did wonders for my fibro. My pain levels went from a constant 10 down to a 6 or 7 if I'm not having a flare up. It was life changing. I did still have the antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, so pregnancy still seemed impossible.
When I met Dustin I made it clear to him that I couldn’t give him a child. I wanted him to know that in the beginning so he could decide if he wanted to continue with this relationship. He let me know that I was exactly who he had been praying for his entire life. He wasn't going anywhere. His God was bigger.
I moved out of the house and got an apartment with my cousin. We had a pretty horrible falling out soon after. I see now that I was a pretty miserable person to be around. Suicidal people often are. She moved out and two of my friends moved in. I still feel bad about how difficult it must have been to be around me. I lived in a constant pity party. I ended up in the hospital again, but this time I had a blood clot, supposedly a blood clot that was going to be the end of me. (Here we go again) I was so scared and so alone. They took me out of my room to get a CT scan and when I returned there was my roommate, holding a pair of socks. I will love her forever for that.
Whatever medicine they gave me worked. I could go home, but I really needed to stop drinking. Ok. Sure. I just got worse. I remember calling my mom one night and begging her to tell me it was ok to kill myself. To say that I continuously broke her heart is an understatement. The fibromyalgia is the main reason I wanted to die. I was in so much pain, constant, unrelenting, excruciating pain. - If they loved me they would understand. They are the selfish ones expecting me to live like this. I'm just going to die soon anyways. - oh the lies I would tell myself to justify this thought process.
I was at work one night and I met a guy. This guy will have his own post one day, but not today. He was the one with the little girl. After we broke up (that's what I'll call it for now) I never got to see the little girl I had grown to love again. This put an ache in my heart. I wanted a child. I wanted a family. I wanted a future. Somehow, someone trying to kill me actually made me want to live. Crazy.
When I met the next man in my life it was all I could think about. I wanted a baby. We tried for a while, but no baby. We went to fertility doctors and specialists. No baby. I actually had one doctor tell me that with my health problems I was being selfish trying to bring a baby into my world. My heart condition could cause me to have serious problems with pregnancy and delivery. My fibromyalgia would make pregnancy very painful. My lung problems would make delivery dangerous. My blood clotting disease would make it nearly impossible to get pregnant and if I did, I would most likely miscarry. I didn't care, I wanted a baby. Looking back now I see that I was trying to fill a hole. I was trying to replace what was lost. I am very thankful that I never became pregnant during that time.
I had heart surgery in September of 2009. They did an atrial fibrillation ablation and froze the node that was electrocuting my heart. I have not gone into a-fib since the surgery. I started seeing a chiropractor that did wonders for my fibro. My pain levels went from a constant 10 down to a 6 or 7 if I'm not having a flare up. It was life changing. I did still have the antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, so pregnancy still seemed impossible.
When I met Dustin I made it clear to him that I couldn’t give him a child. I wanted him to know that in the beginning so he could decide if he wanted to continue with this relationship. He let me know that I was exactly who he had been praying for his entire life. He wasn't going anywhere. His God was bigger.
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