When the past calls...

When I first met my husband and we were still in the beginning stages of the falling in love phase, my phone rang. It was my ex. I had a moment of nervousness trying to decide whether or not to answer and then I looked over at my bearded wonder and decided to let it go to voicemail. It wasn't until the next day that I realized he had left a message. I decided to ignore it for now and deal with it later. What on earth could he possibly have to say to me anyway? I was scrolling through Pinterest and came upon a quote that said "When the past calls, don't answer. It doesn't have anything new to say." It was exactly what I needed to see in that moment. I deleted the voicemail. 

A few years later I was discussing the topic of being friends with exes with my husband. I had always remained friends with my exes. Why not? They obviously meant something to me at the time and what harm could it do. My husband shed some light on that for me. He said something along these lines. If the ex was a good person and treated you well, by all means, maintain a friendship. However, if they lied, cheated, or mistreated you, then why would you want to associate yourself with a person that could do those things to someone they claimed to love? That hit me like a ton of bricks. What a valid point. Friends are supposed to be people that add value to your life, not people who made you question your worth. Since that conversation I removed those people from my life, and they have yet to be missed. 

A few weeks ago I was about to turn my phone off and go to sleep when I received a notification of an instant message. It was an ex. Not just any ex though, the ex that verbally and physically abused me for entirely too long. My stomach dropped and my heart started pounding. How on earth did he even find me? The message read something like "hey babe! I can't believe I finally found you! Give me a call!" and left his phone number. The amount of emotions that filled my brain was overwhelming. Mostly, I was absolutely terrified. He used to threaten that if I ever left him he would come find me and finish what he started. He knew where my parents lived and for the first year that I was away from him, every single vehicle that looked like his would make me panic. To be honest, I still do that. There was clearly no end to his level of crazy and I wouldn't put it past him to make good on that threat. He was actually arrested for doing those same things to his next girlfriend. 

After the terror subsided, I went right back to feeling like a weak and helpless shell of a woman. My hands were shaking and my stomach was turning. How was I able to let him affect me this way all over again? I had come so far since that day I escaped him, yet suddenly I am that scared little girl. 

I immediately reached out to my best friend to calm me down. As always he said all the right things to put this into perspective for me. I was able to set it aside that night and get some sleep. The next day, it all came back. 

When you live in an abusive relationship it changes you. It breaks you down from the inside out. I was not ok for a very long time after that. Apparently I wasn't as ok as I thought I was because of how badly this stupid message just affected me. 

I sent a text to my friend Heather telling her what happened. I explained how it made me feel so weak all over again and her words in response were powerful. I can't remember exactly how she phrased it, but basically she told me that even though I felt weak all those years ago, I was actually the farthest thing from it. Someone who is weak stays. Someone who is weak allows the abuse to continue. I didn't. I got out. I wasn't weak at all, I was strong. 

Strong? Really? I had never ever thought of myself as strong when I left him. Until now. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, and I DID IT. I moved on. I put myself back together piece by piece and that is not an easy thing to do. I found happiness and true love in myself. Which was the only way I was able to find that in someone else. Now I am happily married to such a wonderful man who has never once made me question my worth or value. He builds me up instead of tearing me down. He supports me in everything I do instead of telling me what a failure I am or will be. 

Today I actually feel like a strong woman. I love and am loved by so many people, and nothing can take that away from me.