My guardian angel...

The day that someone passes away is forever engraved into the hearts of the people that loved them. The anniversary. I always hated calling it that. Anniversaries are celebrations. You've been married for 50 years or you've been at your job for 20, lets celebrate that. The day that someone stops existing as we know it is not a celebration. It's something else. It is pain. If I would have known that this day would be the last day I would ever hear your voice, I never would have hung up the phone. 

I've often wondered why this death affected me so greatly. I couldn't even try to tell you the exact date that other people in my life have passed away, but this death, this pain, this day, shakes me to my core even still. I think I may have figured out why. 

Her death gave me life. 

She was 16 when I met her. If you knew her, she could easily be described as being full of life. She practically bounced when she walked and had the biggest smile that could lighten even the darkest of rooms. She couldn't tell a story without it being the biggest story you've ever heard. The way she talked about the things she loved made you want to love them too. 

I went through some of the hardest times of my life in the few short years I knew her, but it was truly impossible to have a bad day around her. It just didn't even matter what was on your mind, she would have you laughing in minutes. These are the things that I hold on to. These are the traits that I try to bring into my own life. I want to live a life that she could look down on and be proud of. Because before she died, I didn't even want to live at all. 

Suicidal depression is what they called it. My own mind wouldn't stop trying to convince me that suicide was my only answer. It feels foreign to even write that as I haven't had a single suicidal thought in over 7 years now. But at one time, and for many years, it consumed me. 

I need to be clear, her death was not some magical button that was pushed in my head that made my depression disappear. I got help. Real help. A lot of therapy. A lot. But she was why I kept going. She is why I never stopped fighting for my own life, I guess because I couldn't fight for hers. I refused to allow her life to just end there. She may not have been able to live the rest of her life, but I damn sure could and I refused to waste one more second of it stuck in my own head and in my own pain. I was going to live. If I couldn't do it for me, I was going to do it for her. 

There is a song that I cried to after she passed away. It's a song called Hear You Me, and this phrase cut right through me- 

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live
May angels lead you in

It came on my Pandora the other day as I was driving home. It instantly brought me right back to the pain of losing her. Then the very next song that came on felt as though Jessica reached her hand right down from heaven and made this song play. It came on right as I was reaching the top of the Hale Boggs Bridge. The  exact spot on the bridge where her accident happened and her life so tragically ended. I was so emotional I had to pull over at the bottom of the bridge until I could stop crying. If you know me at all, you know my obsession with lyrics runs so deep. I obviously don't know how the spiritual realm works, but I'm just going to have to take this as a message from my very own guardian angel. 

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

I can't even write it without crying. I wished so many times that I could have taken her place. Take me. I've lived a life. She was just getting started. Sadly, that's not how death works. God doesn't "take" people. Life is just that, life. It ends in death. Sometimes through sickness and sometimes through accidents that seem so unfair and occasionally by our own doing. You will never read that story from me though. Her death continues to give me life. I will continue to mourn for her every year during this time because I miss her. I miss her so much. It physically hurts. It hurts every time I think of her, but anniversaries just put a spotlight on the pain. 

Thank you for letting me share how this life changed mine in just a few short years. You never know the kind of impact you can have on someone, in life or in death. Try to always choose kindness. 

I will miss you forever and think of you always my beautiful Jessica. Even though it is only the memories of you I am left with, the memory of you is still better than never knowing you at all.

05-06-10