When your legs don't work like they used to before...

It was a Thursday night. I only remember that because I watched Grey's Anatomy that night. Meredith hadn't heard from her husband all day and was beginning to worry that something happened to him. Her friends did what friends do and encouraged her to disregard her worry and assume he was safe. If you watch the show, you already know he wasn't. If you don't, her husband had been in a car accident and was in a hospital with severe injuries that eventually ended in his death. I've been watching this show since the first episode so naturally I cried my face off when this main character died. After I stopped crying about the death of a fictional character, I headed to bed. At midnight I received a message from my friend Robby's fiancé.

I would normally have responded with calm encouragement that maybe he stopped at a friend's house, but because of the show I had just seen, I went into panic mode. My stomach dropped and I just couldn't shake the feeling that something bad had happened to him. She finally found him about an hour later. He was in a hospital in Mobile, AL. All they told her was that he was involved in a head on collision, his legs were broken, and he is in surgery.

I will finish the rest of the story, but first I want to tell you a little bit about these two people.

I have known Robby since he was 15. I met him because he is my best friend's cousin and I basically adopted him as the little brother I never had. He has grown into such an incredible young man since then. I was so excited when he told me that he had found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Her name was Emily. All I knew of her at this point was that she was adopting a precious little boy who had been in the NICU since birth because of withdrawals. His mother was a homeless drug addict and could not care for him. After his time in the NICU and then foster care, Emily was finally able to take him home.

She went through this adoption process because she so badly wanted to be a mother but was told by doctors that she wouldn't be able to. Like me, she has a blood clotting disorder that makes a healthy pregnancy very unlikely. Like me, she also beat those odds. She was pregnant. This was exciting news for Robby and Emily, but still very scary because the risk of miscarriage was extremely high. She was started on blood thinner injections and was considered a high risk pregnancy.

Getting back to that night... Emily was now 6 months pregnant with their baby girl and naturally I was concerned with how this accident was going to affect her. She seemed as calm as could be expected when I talked to her. She finally got to see him, but I don't think she was prepared for how bad it was. He was lucky to be alive. The first responders said that when they saw the truck, they didn't expect to find any survivors. He had to be taken to the hospital by a helicopter.

His injuries consisted of a brain bleed, 4 cracked ribs, a C-6 neck fracture, pelvis broken in 5 places, a ruptured spleen, left femur broken in 2 places, right tibia broken, his left ankle shattered in over 100 pieces, his right ankle shattered in 30 pieces, and extensive scarring over both legs and his left arm.

 I arrived in Mobile the next morning and joined his brother and Emily in the surgical trauma waiting room. This was the first time I had ever even met Emily.  I loved her instantly. As scary and unknown as this situation was, she just had a peace about her. She spoke so positively about the situation. She never once spoke about how this was going to affect her, but instead focused on how she would be there to support Robby, no matter what. You think you know how you will respond to a situation like this, but she was handling it much better than I would have.

 We sat in that waiting room for hours. We just wanted answers. Was he ok? Would he walk again? Was there brain trauma? Just tell us something! I tell you what; waiting for answers is hard to do. Chris and his girlfriend had to head back to New Orleans so it was just Emily and I waiting at this point. We waited at the elevator, hoping to just get a glimpse of him to give us peace of mind. After hours of waiting they finally brought him up from surgery.

 We went into his room in the ICU not knowing what to expect. Initially, he was happy to see us. In true Karen fashion, I cracked some inappropriate joke and he even laughed a little bit. He gave us hugs and kisses and was happy to see us. That didn't last long. It hit him pretty suddenly. The pain. I can only try to imagine what his broken body must have been feeling, but I hope I never know. We tried to calm him down but he was inconsolable. The pain was just too much. He yelled out in agonizing pain and it was unbearable to watch. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I left the room quickly because I didn't want him to see me. Emily was right behind me doing the same. We both just sat in the waiting room and cried. Once we were able to regain our composure, we went back in. When you go to the doctor complaining of pain, they will ask you to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. Robby was at 1000. Emily stayed by his side though. Speaking softly and calmly to him and telling him everything would be ok.

After visiting hours were over, Emily and I headed to their house in Pensacola. The first song that came on the radio was the love song by Ed Sheeran called Thinking Out Loud. The first line in the song is "When your legs don't work like they used to before..." Obviously, we both started crying again. We continued to talk about what they were going to do and how they were going to get through this.

We found out later that the accident was caused by a man they assume was trying to commit suicide. He was traveling west bound on I-10 at Wilcox Blvd in Alabama and hit Robby head on. The driver died instantly. He carried very little insurance and what he did have was used up before Robby even made it to the hospital. He was living in his mother's home who passed away two years ago. There has been very little encouragement from his lawyer about ever receiving any type of compensation that would even make a dent in the massive amount of medical bills that continue to pile up.

Since the accident Robby has undergone 5 more major surgeries on his legs. Each one making the day he will be able to walk again seem farther and farther away. Initially they said it would be 3 months, now they are saying hopefully in a year.

 They were able to set up a hospital bed in their living room so that Robby could leave the hospital. Physical therapists and nurses come to the house to work with him and dress his wounds that can't seem to heal. His last surgery was supposed to be minor and ended up being far more extensive than they had planned. The doctors even had to use cadaver bones to try and piece back together his shattered left foot. If this recent surgery proves to be unsuccessful, the next conversation will be about amputation. As of now, because of all of the nerve damage, he is in constant pain and his left foot always stings like the pain you feel when your foot falls asleep. Can you imagine? I hate when my foot falls asleep for a few minutes and now this is just another part of his "new normal".

When you look for a place to live you don't look at it through the eyes of needing it to be handicap accessible. This is one of the many struggles he has to face on a daily basis. The way their new house was set up, the living room is sunken in. This means they have to set up ramps just for Robby to be able to get to the bathroom. It takes him almost 20 minutes to be able to maneuver around the small spaces and over the ramps. 

On August 5th their lives changed once more.  Amelia was finally here. Their family was finally complete. Robby is so in love with his baby girl and it is incredibly wonderful to see a smile on his face again. As with all newborns, chaos has also joined their family. Davis is almost 2 now and is trying to adjust to life as a big brother.

I went to stay with them for a few days to try and give Emily a break. She is continuing to be so strong for her family. She is doing her best to take care of the needs of her newborn and toddler while still having to take care of Robby and all the other household duties. It is hard on Robby to not be able to help her, but he is great at cuddling with Amelia so Emily can get some things done around the house.

I am sharing this story with all of you for a few reasons. Personally, I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God can heal the broken and give comfort to the weary. I ask that you pray for this family. The next reason is to ask for your help. Robby will most likely not be able to return to work for at least a year.

Take a second and think about how stressful finances are for all of us and how scary it would be if you couldn't pay your rent or even buy your babies diapers. These are real concerns for this family right now. Emily will be able to start looking for employment soon, but even then she will have to pay for childcare as well as care for Robby.

I set up a fundraising account for them with You Caring because unlike Gofund me, this site is free and doesn't keep a percentage of what is raised.

Even if you can only donate 5 dollars, remember that 5 dollars can buy over 20 diapers.

If you want to help in other ways such as donating items like diapers, clothes, or even gift cards, please contact me and I will make sure to get it to them.

You may not know them, or even me, but if someone you loved was ever in a similar situation, your only hope may be to rely on the generosity and compassion of strangers.

If all you can do at this time is click on that share button and offer someone else the opportunity to help them out, that would also be greatly appreciated.

Click here to donate or follow the link below. You can also copy the link and share it directly to your networking site.

https://www.youcaring.com/robby-necaise-433415#.Vfg_sYBnhGI.mailto

Dear daughter...

I realized today that in 20 days I would be turning 36. I'm not even sure how to feel about that nonsense, but it did get me thinking about 20 years ago when I was about to turn 16. 

I was bad. There is just no way to sugar coat it. My poor parents. Bless their hearts. I wasn't a bad person, there is a big difference between the two. I made bad choices. I had bad reactions to consequences. I'm not sure how I would feel about 15 year old me if I hadn't become a mom. People always make reference to how bad I was and how now I'm going to have to pay for it when my kid is that age. 

I am aware that the list I am about to make has been done a thousand times before, but this is my list for my child. These are things that I need her to know. Things that I hope she will spend at least five minutes reading before she becomes a teenager and maybe appreciate them in ways I never did.

So, here it goes, my first list... 

1. Forgive yourself. Quickly. 

I have always struggled with this one. Everyone always talks about how important it is to forgive others, but forgiving yourself is a necessary step in growing up. You will make mistakes. Probably a lot of mistakes. There will be consequences. All mistakes have them whether you see it right away or not. Then, forgive yourself. Don't hold on to the guilt of a mistake. Let it go. Move on. 

2. Cry. 

Sometimes the strength is hidden behind the tears. 

3. Be a good friend. 

Of all the things I regret from my teen years, betraying one of my best friends is at the top of the list. 

4. Kindness should always be your first response. 

People are mean. They just are. It's a fact of life. Even when people are mean, be kind. Even when people are rude, be kind. 

5. Smile. 

Don't just smile at your friends, smile at strangers. Smile at the cashier. Smile at the waitress. Smile at the old man walking his dog. Definitely smile at the mean people previously described. 

5. Have faith. 

This one isn't just about religion. That is something you will decide for yourself when the time comes. Have faith in your teachers, they only want to help you. Have faith in your parents, we will never be perfect people, but our love for you is. Have faith in yourself. Believe that you can do anything you set your mind to. If you ever lose faith in yourself, know that your parents have enough faith in you for three lifetimes. 

6. Don't have sex. 

You aren't ready. You aren't emotionally prepared enough to deal with all that sex brings to the table. I'm not saying never, I'm not even requesting that you wait until you are married (although that would be ideal), but I do hope you wait until you are ready.  16 isn't it. You can't know that yet, but you will. 

7. Learn from your mistakes. 

Someone once told me that a smart person learns from their mistakes, but a wise person learns from someone else's. I was neither. There's another word for people like me. 

8. Do not, under any circumstance, ever, in the history of all evers, pick up a cigarette and smoke it. 

This shouldn't need an ounce of explanation. Drugs are bad. Don't do those either. One time could be your last time. Don't ever bet on odds like that. 

There are tons of life lessons I had to learn the hard way that I wish I could just protect you from. I know that I can't, but I will be by your side to help you through all of them just as my parents did for me. 

are you existing or living?

I felt good today. There wasn't any particular pain in my body that was unbearable today. Those days are few and far between when you have an auto immune disease that causes unrelenting pain all over your body. Even before this disease I wasn't living, I was existing. I had to make a choice. I chose to stop existing and start living. That choice didn't happen because I became a mom or even when I got married. That choice actually came after someone I loved very much was killed in a car accident at 18.

Her mother gave me a copy of one of her senior portraits and I went to buy a frame to put it in. I didn't want just any frame for this picture. It had to be special. My friend came with me and we looked at every single frame in the aisle before deciding on one. It was just a simple black frame, but on it was the phrase, Live every moment, Laugh every day, and Love beyond words. It felt like a request from her to start truly living my life because she was now unable to live hers. I chose to stop feeling sorry for myself and my situation because at least I was still here to be able to do things differently. 

It was not a change that happened overnight. I still had hard days that made me consider giving up. When you live a life filled with pain it makes it very hard to want to keep doing it. Every time I would see her looking back at me from that picture frame it would reignite my flame to follow that advice. 

Living these days comes much easier. After years of being told I would never have a child, my child finally came. Sometimes I imagine that my friend pulled some strings up there in heaven to make this miracle happen. I have also been given a second chance at love and married a man that seems to have been hand picked just for me.  It takes a special kind of man to love someone that never lives a single day without pain. 

My point in all of this is to encourage anyone reading this to stop only existing and start living. My pain has not gone away, it most likely never will, but my attitude towards it had to. I refuse to allow it to dictate my life. Don't let pain, physical or emotional, prevent you from truly living. Anger, bitterness, hurt, and sadness only allow for a miserable life. Choose to really start living, laughing at every thing, and truly loving yourself so that you don't waste another second of this precious life. It really can be taken from you in just a few seconds. 

we all need to shine sometimes...

I love reading posts by mommy bloggers. They have replaced John Grisham novels and Advanced Marketing textbooks now that my MBA is completed. I'm not sure if I fit into the mommy blogger mold. I am a mom and I do have a blog, but I read these blogs to be inspired, to gain insight, to learn what to do better. Over here in ink and diapers land, my blog is more focused on the journey through my mistakes in childhood as well as in life and parenting. So now that we have clarified that I am no expert, I have some thoughts to share. 

I have read a lot of posts about single moms, working moms,and stay at home moms. Reading posts about people that aren't in your situation will yield a bit of sympathy if their life is harder, or a tinge of jealousy that you don't get some of their perks.

There was a group of women all talking together on our beach vacation last week about being moms. We laughed, I cried (when did I become such a big crybaby??!!) and all shared stories about our good times and bad in parenting. Even when sharing stories with people you actually know it is easy to feel a little jealous depending on the situations. The one word that had me over analyzing my entire situation was "shine". She shines at her job. She is important, necessary, and great at her job, and it makes her shine. I quickly did an inventory in my head and couldn't think of very many things that I do now at this SAHM role that I can shine in. 

To be fair, my house is kept clean, there aren't dishes in the sink, and my laundry is usually done. All except that stupid last load STILL sitting in my dryer from Monday! I just run out of steam by that last load. I guess it just gives me a good starting point for next Monday. I prepare meals for my family. Well, most days. Ok, some days. I think I'm making my point even better now. If the original response was that I shine at being a housewife, yeah, ummm, occasionally. 

I'm getting off topic. My whole point is that if you break down these three roles - working, home, and single they all have their fallbacks as well as their perks. I am going to try and mention a few that I have noticed from personal experience. 

The working mom. Not the single working mom, this is just a married woman that has a job and is a mother. 

Perks:

You get a paycheck 

You probably have adult interaction and conversations           

You have the opportunity to shine 

(Side note- it doesn't matter if you are a doctor at Children's hospital or a cashier at the local Walmart, to me, shining means that you take true pride in your job and perform it like it is the best job in the world.) 

Fallbacks

A lot less time spent with your family 

Stress from work distracting you from your family 

Missing things for/with your kids due to work

Obviously both points have more but I'm not a working mom so I can't speak to that much more. 

The stay at home mom. Not to be confused with the work from home mom, she will get her own blog when I finally become her. 

Perks: so many. Really. A lot. 

Fallbacks: so many. Really. A lot. 

The single parent. 

Perks: 

You make all the decisions 

Your child is your top priority 

Fallbacks: 

You make all the decisions 

Your child is your top priority 

To better explain, you are responsible for making all of the decisions, but sometimes that is a lot of pressure in deciding what is best for your child. 

Your child is your top priority, but you are the only one that makes your child a top priority. 

The main point that I am trying to get across is that if you are friends with a single parent, reach out to them. Offer them a safe place to discuss important decisions. Make a day that they can be your top priority and just love on them. Pray for them. Encourage them. It is through these bonds with all mothers that we can all shine. We all need to shine sometimes. We also need our kids to see us shining so that they grow up knowing its importance. Kids have it easy, they get to shine just by being so darn cute. 

is a dad even necessary?

I have always been one to lose myself in movies. I completely invest my feelings into the characters and laugh when they laugh as well as cry when they cry. I am an emotional person. I am even more so now that I am a mother. I was watching the movie Saving Mr. Banks tonight and found myself overwhelmed with emotion about the relationship the young girl had with her father. He was important to her. That relationship affected her into adulthood. It got my mind circling about how my relationship with my own father has affected me, and also how my daughter's relationship with her father will affect her future. 

My relationship with my father has evolved over the years into a beautiful thing. I call him almost daily just to chat with him about random things. We are very alike in a lot of ways but still find a way to respectfully disagree on others. It wasn't always like that.   My dad was the enforcer. I was a troublemaker. Looking back on my childhood it is easier to remember the punishments than the laughs. There was a lot of laughter, but as a kid I always held on the bad for some reason. The turning point in our relationship happened at about 17. I went from hating him for pulling me out of my high school my senior year and moving me across the state, to being grateful that he loved me enough to fight the fights. He loved me enough to punish me. He loved me enough to show up at a party I wasn't supposed to be at and drag me home. He loved me enough to sit on my bed and wait for me to try and sneak back into my bedroom. It was that year that I started to understand that him 'ruining my life' was really just him trying to save it. Oh, dear sweet hindsight... 

I know that there are so many people that didn't have a dad around for those things. Maybe your mom became the sole enforcer or maybe there was just no enforcing at all. A lot of men seem to think that their role in a family is unnecessary. They think that they can just send a check and have the occasional weekend and then their job is done. Then there are some that don't even do that. The special few that don't offer a single ounce of support to their child monetarily, or even more importantly, emotionally. I will never be able to understand how someone can abandon a child in that way. 

Some say that a man learns how to be a father from his own father. If their father was abusive, they will be abusive. If their father took off, they will take off. Thankfully that is proven wrong on a daily basis. Men standing up and realizing that they have been given the precious responsibility of teaching, guiding, encouraging, and yes, even disciplining, a child.

My dad's father passed away while he and his twin brother were still in his mother's womb.  How did a man that was born without a father grow to become not only the best father, but one of the best human beings I have ever encountered? 

It took me about 30 years to discover it, but I finally learned his secret. He didn't have an earthly father to mold his life after, but he did have a Heavenly Father. He loved me unconditionally, even when I was incredibly unloveable. So does Jesus. He was hurt when I made poor choices. So is Jesus. He was filled with joy when I finally decided to surrender my all to Christ. So was Jesus. 

It doesn't matter where any of us come from or who are parents are, good, bad, or indifferent. We all have the ability to call on our Heavenly Father for guidance, love, support, encouragement, and especially forgiveness. 

So, no, a dad isn't necessary, but the Father is. 

you can't pray gay away...

I had lunch with a friend today. Normally a lunch with a friend doesn't send my mind spiraling like this one did. Every time I have ever had lunch with this friend before today she was a girl, but today, she was a boy. 

I am the first to admit that it was hard to understand. This person I have loved and cared about for years isn't who I knew and loved. This was a new person. A new face. A new voice. Even the personality seemed different. Happy, but different. 

I think different is the key word in all of this. If people could just learn to accept that every single person on this planet is different than them and different doesn't mean bad, maybe  this world would be just a little bit better. 

I think I was about seven when I first kissed a girl. From that time until I was about 28 years old I lived in the proverbial closet. I didn't even know what a lesbian was back then, much less if I was one. All I knew was that I was attracted to girls and that it had to be a secret. There are very few people that knew this about me. I didn't exactly advertise it. I went to a private baptist college and then joined the Army before they implemented Don't Ask Don't Tell.  There is a look that you get when you see someone 'like you' that permits the attraction to go further. This is how I was able to keep it a secret for so long. Also, I dated men. I was never repulsed by them as I have heard others say, but I was still always drawn to women. 

After my divorce I finally decided to 'come out'. I dated my first girl. For the first time in my life, I actually walked out in public holding hands with a girl. I felt good. I felt free. Free from my secret and shame. 

After that relationship ended I was convinced that I would never date another woman. I don't know if you know this, but women can be crazy. So. Crazy. 

I was so confused. I knew that physically I desired a woman, but mentally I craved a man. 

I'm going to shift gears for a second to hopefully shed some light on some things. 

I hear this often- I don't understand why Christians are always pushing their beliefs on me, I don't push mine on them. 

I explained this today the best way I know how. Christians are called to follow the Bible. The Bible says that we are to share the news of Jesus with every one. If you aren't a Christian, your beliefs (or even a lack thereof) probably don't require you to share it with others. 

That being said, here is my biggest problem with Christians quoting scripture to or about homosexuals as a way to prove that they are wrong and are going to hell - 

If the person is not a Christian, then you quoting scripture is the same as you quoting a line from Harry Potter. It means nothing to them. NOTHING. The Bible and its teachings are just gibberish to a nonbeliever.  It all sounds like a ridiculous fairytale. 

I'm not saying it isn't true, because I do believe that it is, but that is because I have chosen (key word) to follow Jesus and believe in the Bible. I just also believe that the best way to share about the love of Jesus is to show the love of Jesus. 

People telling me that I was a sinner and going to hell is not how I found my way back to church. Loving parents that never stopped praying for me and showing me what real love looked like is how I found my way back to church. I still lived a homosexual lifestyle while attending church. I was shown love and kindness for the most part, that could be because my dad was the preacher, but I hope not. I continued to learn and understand this thing called Christianity a little bit better and eventually I made the choice to become a believer.  There's that word again. I chose it. That was a choice. 

Choose to invite someone to church instead of turning your nose up at a couple walking down the street.

Choose to bring bottles of water instead of picket signs to a Gay Pride parade.  

Choose to smile at the person going through a physical transition instead of demanding they not be allowed to use the same restroom. 

Choose to love like Jesus. 

When I surrendered my life, completely, to God, there wasn't some bolt of lighting that came down and shocked my gay away. I am still the same person. However, He did do some other things. He made His presence in my life visible. Actually, He made it completely impossible for me to deny His hand in my life. He didn't change my past. He didn't change my temptations, but He did change my heart. 

I still have a lot of friends that don't believe. That's ok. I will never stop trying to share the love of Christ with them. They know it too. We may all be different, and have different stories, and make different choices, but I was always told that you get more bees with honey.