failing at winning with anxiety...

If I had a dollar for every panic attack  i have had, I could afford a really good therapist and I wouldn't have to write in my blog about my life. But no one is handing out money for these things, so I guess blogging it is. 

It is 2:39 in the morning and I am waiting for my anti anxiety meds to kick in so that I can hopefully fall asleep. I feel like I can remember a time that I didn't have these lovely attacks, but I know that I didn't fully appreciate life without anxiety. These attacks started shortly after I developed my heart condition. I guess mentally I couldn't tell the difference between my heart electrocuting me and me just thinking it was. If my heart ever started to palpitate I would be scared that I was having another 'episode' and then I would panic. I can't speak to anyone else's panic attacks, so I will just try to explain mine. 

Whatever happens to set it off isn't important. It can be something as big as a belligerently drunk person trying to fight people that he cares about, or it could be that a song on the radio is playing too loudly. It matters not. If I feel as though I do not have complete control over my environment, I panic. 

I start by feeling hot. So hot. As if all of the blood inside my body just started boiling. I have learned tricks to dealing with this symptom. Those in my inner circle are very familiar with my - dribble ice water out of my mouth down my shirt - move. I'll put ice cubes in my shirt and pour ice water down my back. I also try to pour the water on my wrists, but this works better if I can use a cold rag to wrap on them. Yes, I am aware of how ridiculous I look, but those looking at me judging don't have to see where this will go if I can't stop it at this stage. 

If I can't shock my system quickly enough with the cold, the next symptom is nausea and the gut wrenching stomach pains. That jumps right into getting very dizzy and then heads on into everything turning dark and blurry. Kind of like looking through a kaleidoscope. As if my brain tells my eyes that they need to stop working. In case you were wondering, 'getting sick' when you can't see is not easy. I usually make my way outside when this happens so I don't have to worry about aim. 

If I was able to shock my system from progressing past the really hot stage, which happens often now that I learned my little ice tricks, I will still remain at a high level of anxiety until I take medicine or I take a very hot bath. Hot baths are really great after dousing yourself with ice water for hours. My muscles get very tense when I am having an attack, almost like they are spasming all over my body, so even after I stop the progression of the attack, the lingering effects of nausea and muscle cramps will stay for hours. I can push through those. I can slap a smile on my face and continue on with whatever situation I happen to be in, but if anything else happens to make me feel anxious, it starts right where it left off and usually escalates quickly. 

I read a comment on a post the other day that has me thinking about anxiety and being a woman of faith. How can I trust in God and still have anxiety? 

The commenters point was that we as Christians have nothing to really worry about with the day to day because we have already seen how the story ends. We go to Heaven. 

Ummm. No. What is the point of giving us life if  we weren't intended to live it. All of it. The good, the bad, the cancer, the fights, the miscarriages, the deaths, the lost jobs, the promotions, the weddings and the funerals. I want to LIVE in this life and not just glide through it with my head in the clouds. 

 

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful group of people to do life with that always bring me big cups of ice cold water. 

one in five...

Just in this past week I have heard of three separate cases of child molestation in people's children that I know. Not to mention the recent cases in the news. One in five, that is how many girls have been a victim of child sexual abuse. One in five.  I can't even put in to words how utterly devastating this is to me. I have previously written about what happened to me when I was younger, but was intentionally vague as to not open up my wounds, or the wounds of those involved. I was reminded that the purpose of this blog was to open up my wounds so that they could once and for all be healed. This one is by far the one that has affected me the most in my life. So I have decided to no longer keep this secret locked in my heart. It isn't healthy, but most of all, it isn't fair. This keeps happening to our children. It needs to get out of the darkness and into the light. People need to be having real conversations about child molestation. 

I find it ironic that I made the decision that my child would never have a toy doctors kit before she was even born. If you know my daughter, you know that Doc McStuffins is her obsession. It is the only show that she will watch consistently. She has just about every toy from this series with the exception of the actual doctor tools. I refuse it. My husband has tried to convince me that it isn't healthy for me to project my issues with this onto her. She should be able to have these toys without it causing me trauma. The more we talk about it, and the more I think about it, I know that he is right. I never want my pain to prevent her joy. 

It was a very popular toy in the 80's, a plastic Fischer Price doctors kit that she used. She was a teenager, I believe about 16. I do not know if she was some sick predator, or just a confused child. I don't know if it happened to her and that is why she did it to me. I have thought about her often. Did she continue to do it? Does she ever think about it? Does she know that what she did destroyed me? Was this a one time thing? I only have the one memory. The one recurring nightmare that stole my innocence.

There was another child involved. A boy. She made us do things to each other that children should never do. She did things to us with those toys that should never be done to children.  

I'm not really sure what else there is to say about it. The rest of the details seem pointless at this stage. The only reason I am sharing this is to hopefully raise awareness. These horrible acts are still happening too often. Innocent children are being taken advantage of and I am here to tell you, they will remember. There is no real way to truly protect your child from this happening. It is being done my brothers, sisters, cousins, baby sitters, grandparents, fathers, and even mothers. Pedophiles are not going to volunteer this information. There won't be a sign around their neck that warns you of what could happen if you trust them to care for your child. Have the uncomfortable conversations. Teach your children as early as they can understand that they can always tell you anything. Teach them about their private areas and how to tell you if they are ever touched inappropriately. Most importantly, take every single claim seriously and seek help in dealing with the situation. 

You are your child's voice. You are their protector. My prayer is that our children are never assaulted in this way, but please, never ignore the signs.