I heard a song for the first time the other day and I haven't been able to stop playing it.
The more I played it, the more I actually heard it. There was a line in it that I just couldn't get off of my mind.
I don't write in my blog much anymore because it was just easier to write my heart and hit post on a Facebook feed. I was reminded that the reason I started it was to be a place my daughter, and now both of my girls, could read about who their mom was. I wanted her to know my heart and my words even if I was no longer here to share them with her. When you have the medical past I have had, you think about stuff like that way more than you probably should. So, I will try to be better about sharing my heart here. Back to the story.
Goodness of God. That is the song.
The line is "All my life you have been faithful and all my life you have been so so good."
For a girl that was molested at the age of two, raped at 15, assaulted at 19, lung failure at 20, heart complications at 21, blood disease at 23, physically and emotionally terrorized at 24, suicidal depression and severe anxiety disorder, and honestly a host of other mental health issues and horrible experiences...
Well... it became really hard for me to say that He had been faithful and good to me. I've been thinking on this and praying on this and I still just couldn't get past it. I had never looked at my past and blamed God. Life is life and sin is on this earth and bad things happen to good people. That is just how it is. God didn't "do" anything to me. I know that. But knowing that, and feeling like He had actually been good to ME was just really hard.
Last night I heard a man speak about his journey to salvation. He said so many things that I will remember forever, but one thing that really stuck out to me was this "God used my mess for His message." Those words resonated with me because I always refer to myself and my past as just a mess. I was a MESS.
Since that day that I surrendered my life to Jesus, my life has been transformed. I had lunch with a friend today that told me I sure have come a long way from the ice cream shop we met in 15 years ago. I have. I really have. God has done such a beautiful work in my life and given me a peace that I will never be able to explain unless you've experienced it for yourself. His goodness really does chase me. He has given me HIS very best. I am in awe of His favor.
My mess was going to happen regardless. The girl who molested me. The man who raped me. The health problems. It was all going to happen because there is sickness and evil in this world.
The way He has used my mess for His message is because I can share the gospel with the teenage girl who was raped by her neighbor and she knows I really do understand her shame. I can witness to a woman that was abused by her husband because I have lived through that torture. I can pray with the grandmother who suffers with an autoimmune disease because I understand chronic and unrelenting pain. I can hold the hand of the young mom who doesn't think she can live another day because I have had those exact thoughts.
God was faithful. He is faithful. He does not say we won't experience the worst things a human can go through, but He did say that He WILL USE IT FOR GOOD.
Genesis 50:20
But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.
