One year. That is how long I was in an abusive relationship. In that short year I became a shell of my former self. I learned to take the blame for every single thing. I learned to apologize when he messed up. I learned to always look up in terror if my phone rang. Even though it was only my mom. Especially if it was my mom. I could write a novel about all the things that changed in me during that relationship. You know what I hate the most though? That I’ve been happily married for almost 5 years, together 8, two beautiful children, and yet I still get scared. Scared that if I raise my voice in a disagreement that his hands will smash against my face. Scared that if a friend wants to hang out that I shouldn’t even ask because I won’t be allowed to because I’m lying and just want to go have sex with 27 men. Scared that if my phone accidentally plays a loud video and wakes him up he will drag me down the hall by my hair.
My husband has never once, not even for a second, given me a reason to be scared of any of that. But my past has. And I hate that I still can’t just truly relax and enjoy my happiness because of what some jackhole did 14 years ago, for only 1 year...
Leave. Run. Get help. Therapy. All of it. Don’t let someone destroy you in the name of “love”. It’s not love. It’s control. You deserve better. There is better. And if I can promise you one thing, it is that it will not get better. They will not change because they promised they will. What started as a slap will turn into a punch and then that will turn into a gun down your throat begging you not to keep doing this to him. You can’t help them. You can’t fix them. But you can save yourself. You can be helped and you can be fixed. You just have to be the strongest you’ve ever been and walk out that door for the last time.
