mental illness anonymous...

It has been an emotional night. I don’t think I’ve had a cry that good in a very long time. It’s been awhile since I’ve ripped myself open for this blog. I guess tonight is as good a night as any. 

It started with a relaxing bath after I put the baby to bed. My husband is at work so I could put the music up loud and sing to my heart’s content. I put the Pandora on my usual pop station I have been listening to lately and waited to belt out some emotion. Not one single song was giving me what I wanted. I probably hit skip 50 times. I backed out to the search page and scrolled to find a new station. I kept glancing at the Lauren Daigle station that used to be the only one I’d ever play. I didn’t want that though. I didn’t want revival, as my cousin and I call it. I wanted to avoid feeling on that level just a little bit longer. I kept scrolling. There had to be something else that would give me what I need right now. Nope. Back to it. Just pick it already. 

Here I am in my relaxing tub trying not feel things and the very first song is Do it Again. If you aren’t familiar with the song, it basically just said every single thing I had been needing to hear, but not asking to. I cried. Hard. Like the sobbing, can’t catch your breath cry, and I hit repeat when it was over because I knew there was more to come. At the end of the second time I admitted to myself that I was just in over my head. 

Guess what the very next song was that came on my random playlist? Yep, In Over My Head. Just when I thought I couldn’t break any harder, I started crying a new cry. A healing cry. A releasing cry. A surrendering cry, if you will. I realized in that moment that I had pulled away from the one thing that could have actually helped me. 

I found out in April of last year that I was pregnant with my second child. I didn’t handle it very well. I was terrified. I had this mom of one thing down. I was good at it. I loved it. I had a lot of support and she is an amazing little girl. I just felt like I could handle life. I wasn’t having panic attacks. I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed. It wasn’t always easy, but I felt like I was enough. I did not feel enough for two. I think that I was subconsciously upset at God for giving me this second tiny human to take care of. I questioned Him. How could you think that I, me, the girl who couldn’t even wash her own hair 8 years ago because she had a complete nervous breakdown, that girl? You gave her two?! What are you thinking??!! 

I now have a 7 month old and a 5 year old. It’s hard. It is hard to try and be a good anything to all things. I want to be a great wife. I want to be the wife that has dinner on the table and available for all other wifely duties with a happy heart. I crave that. Not just doing it all, but loving that I even get the opportunity to. I want to be an amazing mother. A calm and patient mother like I had. These are the thoughts that overwhelm me. When I fail at being an ok mom, much less a great one. 

I started thinking in my bath tonight that I wish there was more for people who struggle with mental health. I wrote a rant text to my friend about my hopes. 

-Why don’t people with mental health get assigned sponsors? People in AA have a sponsor. The one person that has said, call me, anytime, call me and I will be there. That needs to be a thing. Mental health needs a universal style support group just like AA and NA. Where there are common mantras you can recite when times are hard. Where there is a meeting around every corner when it’s been a hard day, week, minute. A human being that meets you and chooses to be a safe place in your mess. People always say to call them, but if they’ve never dealt with mental health issues then they would be as useless as I’d be to a drug addict making that call. I need this to be a thing. 

That may sound like I’m describing a therapist, or a counselor, but I’m not saying that needs to be replaced. I’m saying we need more. 

Not everyone can afford therapy. Not everyone can open up to a professional sitting in a chair across the room with a notebook in their hands. Someone that you will assume has no idea how you actually feel, they just read about it in books. Finding the right therapist can take time that some might not have. I’m talking about the desperate moments. The middle of the night moments when you feel so alone. 

I started thinking about how I could do more than just wish. I started thinking about what I could actually do. Then I realized it was already done. 

There is a building on almost every corner where the hopeless can find hope. 

There is a place filled with other people just like you. Lost people. Broken people. People looking to be saved from their darkness. 

It is the church and God is the sponsor. 

Then I remembered that I said in my earlier rant that I wanted there to be a human being. So that is my calling. I want to find a way to help bridge the gap between the ones suffering in their darkness and the house of light. I don’t know what that looks like right now. But that will be my prayer. 

God, show me how I can use what I have been through and what you have brought me out of, to help the ones still suffering. Make my darkness useful to your light. Use me. Come and do whatever You want to. Amen. 

I am a failure...

I was talking to someone earlier tonight about failures. I used to look at my past and see all of the failures. I failed to graduate my first attempt at college. I failed to succeed in the military. I failed when I owned a business. I failed at relationships. It is overwhelming when you look at life like that. 

Instead I choose to look at it like this- 

My first attempt at college taught me about sports medicine and massage. That knowledge has been amazing throughout my daughter’s life. I massaged her when she was a baby, through her growing pains, and when she hurt her ankle in gymnastics. That failure prepared me. 

I was medically retired from the military. While it may not seem like a failure, it always felt that way to me. My body failed me.  My experience in the military gave me the knowledge to connect with my husband in ways most couldn’t. The disability that I receive enables me to be a stay at home mom and care for my two beautiful babies without putting all of the financial strain on my husband. My GI Bill that I received also paid for me to return to school and ultimately finish with an MBA. None of these things would have been possible without that failure. 

I bought a hair salon from a friend that was struggling with her health. I realized after that I had no business being in that world. It just isn’t who I am. I have two looks, a ponytail or down. I learned so much working with those people and built relationships that are still the most valuable that I have. I also learned how to take care of and style curly hair. If you have ever seen my child’s hair you understand the importance of that! Lastly, I learned that for me to be a business owner, it needed to be something that I was actually capable of doing myself. Ten years later I am a business owner again and definitely learned from those mistakes. 

I read somewhere that bad relationships make you appreciate when you finally have a good one. That is so true. Sometimes you have to kiss the frogs to find the prince. I found my prince and all the frogs from my past were lessons in how to be the best wife and partner that I can be. I am thankful for those failed relationships because they are a reminder that even on the hardest days of my relationship, it could never be as bad as it’s been before. 

Failure is a part of life. Why not just change the way you look at it and appreciate it for what it was. A lesson. Lessons bring knowledge and knowledge is power.